Today is special. Very special. I generally observe it very very quietly for my own reason but thanks to Macy and Anne Marie I feel I can be a little bit more open with it.

Today is To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering. On this day, just write love on your arms, and show it off, other people will ask why you have love written on your arms, and you tell them you are supporting to write love on her arms day, and how its benefiting a non profit organization helping stop depression, and make love the movement.

Now, what is To Write Love on her Arms? It is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

I like that...to encourage, inform, inspire.

So what's my connection? My connection is two-fold. I've been battling depression on and off for a few years now...and when I say a few years I mean...probably since about the 9th grade. I can pinpoint the day I knew there was a problem. My mom gave me a Garfield card. It said something about taking all those cheery happy people and kicking them into the next week. More importantly though my mom wrote in it (and it's making me cry just thinking about it) "I thought you needed something to make you smile again." Later on that year...much later after some ups and downs I was on an upswing and had been for a while. My dad found some doodling I had done on some cardboard that I had forgotten I had done. He said, "Tania, are we losing you again?" Do you know how scary those words are?

I've come very far. Very very far. It's not like how it use to be. But I still have my moments. Last week was a bad one. I was incredibly overwhelmed with a lot of stuff and I sat down and flat out told John I felt the clouds moving in and I was doing everything I could to make them go away but I felt like I was losing. It's taking me a long time to get to that point. Previously John has had to deal with Hurricane Tatiana without warning. And trust me hurrican Tatiana is so not fun to deal with. But I'm working on it.

My second connection is my friend Josh.

I don't think I've ever actually said much about him to anyone outside of the people who knew him as well. I've mentioned him in passing and that's about it. It's because of him that I can't hear the song "Father of Lights" without losing my cool a little bit. But it's also because of him that I have sheet music he transposed for the flute of that song framed on my wall. Furthermore, he is also the reason I know more about suicide and schizophrenia than I care to know.

Josh ended his own battle with Schizphrenia in 2001 after a birthday dinner with his family. He rode his bike to the town water tower and as far as I understand jumped off.

Suicide didn't make sense for the person Josh was. But it did make sense for the debilitating disease that he struggled with. It's taken many years for me to accept that. The Josh that ended his own life was not the Josh who ran in the ran with me. Who argued with me about playing my flute in front of my campers (I refused...he had other ideas). It wasn't the Josh who prayed with me so fiercely or hugged me when we saw each other during my lunch break. He went to the University across the street from my high school. I cherish the fact that my last interaction with Josh was a happy one considering how he left us was so terrible. His disease broke him in a way that I would not wish upon anyone. And I am still plagued by the thought all these years later, is there something anyone could have done? Because I know everything was being done. Everything medically and humanly possible. But when you get right down to it, it was Josh versus the voices in his head. 

During his euolgy his doctor said the following words, "His soul was intact and could not be touched by any disease." All I can say to that is, amen.

April 26th always marks another year without Josh.

A final thought,

If you decide to write the word "love" on your arm today, please remember the heart of the matter. The goals were never "cute" or "fashion". Our title, "to write love on her arms", was born as a goal and it remains a goal. We're inviting people to fight for their lives and for the lives of their friends. We're inviting people to believe better things...

Let's continue to fight to figure out what this word "love" means. Let's aim for how it looks and how it sounds - maybe something like humility and confidence and kindness, maybe honesty and compassion... 

We're in all these things together. It's bigger than cute and louder than fashion. 
 - twloha blog

I HAS NEW SHOEZ

IM WEARIN DOSE SHOEZ RITE NAO.

John left for another business trip on Sunday. He is once more in Connecticut learning things and eating way to much fresh seafood (jerk.) I dropped him off at the airport on Sunday morning. This time it was at a reasonable hour unlike last time it was way to friggin' early in the morning.

A few minor points to bring you up to speed. John and I each have witty luggage tags. His says, "Stop! Back away from my luggage" and it's bright red. Mine says, "Not yours: meaning this luggage is mine" it's orange. He rarely checks luggage but last time he actually did check luggage.

This conversation took place as we were walking towards the terminal building.

John: See the damn package people snapped my luggage tag in half.
Tatiana: Let me see *looks* Wow that sucks. Do you want to use my luggage tag instead.
John: *Stares at me* You know where we are right?
Tatiana: *embarassed* It's early!!!
John: It's 9:30
Tatiana: It's still early-ish...I haven't had coffee
John: yes you did
Tatiana: You drank most of it....you leave now.
John: *laughs hysterically as we enter the terminal*